he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
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He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
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I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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