So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
