Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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