SEEEEXXX PLEASE
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
