I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
No subtext here. People are naked.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
