apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
