Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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