you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
