I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
True strength comes from lack of pants
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize