I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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