i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
did i walk over a car last night?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
