I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
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found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
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i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He did a backflip because drugs
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