i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
two words...techno handjob
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
