So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
