is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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