if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
tell me about the eggs
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