Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
