you traded sex for a burrito?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
