At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
