my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
