I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
