so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Green mimosas i think yes
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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