Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He kissed a someone with a penis
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
