My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
