I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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