I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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