I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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