The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
