Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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