Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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