Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
did you just send me my own nude
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
