so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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