Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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