got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
