The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
