I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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