She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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