I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
