I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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