Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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