I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
