Hippo gnu deer
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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