You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize