The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
