i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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