he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So much rum. So many feels.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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