at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
