I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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