Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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