You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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