I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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