so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
