Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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