Got a toothbrush?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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