we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
