I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
