Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
