you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
